Best Friend

i feel numb
like i've been drugged
i just want to lay down and never get up
i want to cry but i can't
i want to hurt you and i could
but i'd never do it
because i've stopped myself too many times
and after all this it would still hurt me to see you in pain
but you're not like me
you're trying so hard to hurt me
emotionally
mentally
and you're suceeding
i accept that
i hate you for it
and it's ripping me apart
and him too
you need to stop
if not for me, or you,
then just for the others you're hurting
because it's not about me anymore
there are other people in this fight
accidentally
but i know so much you don't
and i have done so much to try and save you
and i tried to minimise the hurt
but you did the opposite
you just stormed out there and killed it all
and i can't do this
i still miss you
every fucking day
and every time i do
i hate you even more
and with every fibre of my being
i wish it never changed
and i wish you weren't who you are
and i wish i could just crawl away
to never see you again
and this hurts me more than you think
and i bet you're so happy
but i don't see why you can't just let it go
let me go
are you as obsessed as me?
but i have reason
i think about things too much
you too much
us too much
everything too much
and you
you act on it all
you're ruining something i'm trying so hard to keep alive
and i'm failing
and i hate this
because i can't hurt him
he doesn't deserve it
but i can't be truthful
because i've lived to long alone
and i just want my life
back to safety
but it will never happen
because you broke me
and a best friend is meant to be there
but you weren't
and you told me straight out
you didn't want this best friend
who would have been there 'till the end
and you see
i hate you
and me
for not trying
because i was wrong
but not as wrong as you
because i stopped the looks
the actions
the bitching
and six months later i can act like you're not there
does it frustrate you when i look through you
and exclude you from my conversations?
or are you fine with it
because i'm not
i hate it
but you, you don't even try
you could say sorry
i think you tried
but i was too stupid to care
or even contemplate the idea that you were trying
because i wasn't ready then
and i'm still not
but i'm getting there
but you are too far gone
and it will never be the same
so i want you to go
stay as far away from me as you can
and remember how loyal and how wonderful
and just how much of a best friend i was
because i did a much better job of it than you
and i may have hurt you physically
but you backstabbed and bitched
and thats much worse hurt
because your wounds have healed
mine never will

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